Yesterday I couldn't speak for a little while. Not the usual "oh darn it what's that word I need" kind of way. No that's familiar now, I'm sure it is to all chronic pain sufferers. The brain just can't cope with that much information to process and a big chunk of the time the pain wins the brains attention. So it's not unusual for me to say things like "can you pass me that....(pause)... white stuff that you shake on your food please."
Oh I'm sure you know what it feels like up to a point. It happened to me before Fibro when I was overtired or stressed. But this is most of the time. I'm clumsy, I'm slow, I say things wrong, I can't spell anymore. The pain has stolen so much from me.
Then yesterday, fatigue worse than usual, I was recounting the message I'd just received in a text. Not complicated, short text, familiar person, familiar place (too familiar because I'm still housebound) and I stopped mid-sentence. Nothing came out of my mouth. It wasn't that I was lost for a word. I didn't know what I was talking about. I managed to squeeze out "can't talk" and then shut down again. After a few long minutes my brain stopped being an empty vacuum and thoughts came back into it. I was reminded what I was talking about. Still no relevant thoughts came along, let alone words to try to speak. Long story short what eventually got me out if it was having the last thing I said repeated back to me and I was able to recite it back the second time it was said and after another long pause was able to finish it.
Might not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but it scared me. My post op recovery is as slow as treacle, my patience is turning out to be finite after all and I'm feeling bereft again.
I had a profession, a brain that could teach people how to understand and learn new things. Now I can't walk up the stairs unaided and I can't even rely on my powers of speech.
I know I'm being self indulgent, forgive me! This too shall pass...my internal and external worlds are fractured and I wish I knew how we could find our way to peace.
This is another AppIt entry for iPA, processed from MaryJane's iPhone photo.
Just watched the second episode of Torchwood. A two parter being stretched into 10 episodes is how it seems. How the mighty fall...why do they try and fix things that aren't broken? I have no idea if it's a strong enough story yet but surely it would have worked better as a story arc running alongside the usual monster of the week format. Ignoring the fact that they KILLED OFF MOST OF THE CAST.
Sorry, but I need escapism in my fiction.
Anyone still there?? Hello lovely reader :) hope that wherever you are you're safe and that lady luck smiles upon you everywhere that you go. Thanks for 'listening'.
